Aside

Optimistic.

It’s funny because this morning as C and I walked to music class, I realized that I was in a GREAT mood. I think it was a combination of being well-rested and being outside. C slept through the night two nights in a row, which has been a rarity lately. Fingers crossed that this strange sleep regression at 28 months is over–Mama obviously needs her sleep. And although damp and chilly, it felt good to be outside after being trapped in the house for the last three days because of an ice storm that never materialized. And, since it was in the high 30s, being outside and NOT freezing my ass off added to my cheerful mood. I’m sure J returning to school after 4 days off so close to winter break also had a tiny effect 😉

So as I walked along I was practically skipping, I felt so good. Optimistic. I just feel like this is the month we’re finally going to get pregnant. This is the month we’re going find a cute, snuggly puppy. This is the month we’ll find out where we’re headed (even though I know we won’t–not until February. But I wasn’t going to let that small fact bring me down).

As I walked along I thought about how I should probably write a short blog entry just to show that I really am fine most of the time. I’m not actually falling apart 24/7 like it may seem. 99% (okay more like 85%) of the time I’m coping well.

And then at music class a mom came in a couple minutes late. She’s someone I know–someone between an acquaintance and a friend. It just so happened that she had a baby last Tuesday and this was her first time seeing the moms in the class since then (including myself). She walked in, sans baby belly and sans baby, to a loud chorus of, “You had the baby!! Where is he?!” My stomach dropped to my toes. Flashback of my first morning returning to story time at the library nearly 11 months ago. Remembering the dread I had felt all morning. Working up the courage to actually go. Walking in and hearing the exact same chorus. But instead of smiles and “He’s with my in-laws” like today, there were tears and condolences. Flooded with memories of that same scenario being repeated over and over again everywhere I went. And even when it didn’t play out, there was always that dread that this would be the day someone would comment.

It just goes to show how far I’ve come in the last 10 months and 23 days. Instead of needing to excuse myself so I could cry in the bathroom, I just breathed it out. Instead of it ruining my day and leaving me in a blackhole, I shrugged it off. Not easily and not without strong feelings of jealousy, but I did it. I didn’t let it consume me. Although I’m not skipping around and whistling like I (practically) was this morning, I’m still in a good mood. Still feeling optimistic. It was just a reminder that things will never be prefect. That there is never a moment I’m completely safe from being caught unaware. But as time goes on, being caught off guard isn’t AS mood-altering as it has been in the past.

Because it’s going to be a GOOD month.

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