I’m doing just fine 95% of the time. Well I guess technically it would be 75% of the time–the 8 days between the monthiversary of Zoe’s birth and her death are nearly impossible to get through. And it usually takes me about half of the day on the 14th of the month to even realize why I’m such a shitty mood. I may not consciously be aware of the date (as a stay at home mom I can barely tell you what day of the week it is, let alone the date!), but my subconscious certainly knows and my mood is absolutely horrendous. For those 8 days I’m short tempered, sad, irritable and don’t want to talk. So in other words a complete joy to be around. Although then again I don’t know how much of that is different from every other day of my entire life…seriously how anyone puts up with me is a mystery.
I think part of the problem is that I am doing so well the other 3 weeks of the month. I feel like I’m healing and getting better…and then the 14th through 22nd rolls around and I’m right back to where I started. I know that’s not true; I’ve made a ton of progress. But it just feels like any progress that it seems I’ve made is completely wiped clean on the 23rd. I have to start from scratch again. And I think that’s why those days are so rough; it feels like the other 22 days of the month are just a lie.
Now that I’m over the hump for the month of May things are going well again. We’re still anxiously awaiting the autopsy results. The coroner’s office told me 60-90 days is typical for infants and we officially passed the 90 day mark on Sunday. I’m going to give it the rest of the week and then call on Tuesday. I don’t want to be a hassle but I really would like some answers. Even if the answer is “Sorry, we need another month for more results to come back”.
We’re going home this weekend for Zoe’s tree planting. I can’t remember if I mentioned this before or not, but Jeff had the absolutely brilliant idea to plant Zoe’s ashes at the bottom of an oak tree on my dad’s property. Then she can grow and thrive like she was unable to as a baby and we have somewhere to visit her. Not that I need a place to go, but you know what I mean. So on Saturday we’ll have our tree planting “ceremony” (for lack of a better word) with immediate family. We’re also going to release butterflies. I know it’s super cliche, but I don’t care. We’re going to have a photographer come out and capture the moment for us. I think it will be nice. I’m actually really looking forward to it.
Someone recently posted on the local army wives page that their daughter (who passed away from the flu when she was 9 months) would have been turning 3 on such-and-such date. She was looking for a little girl with the same birthday who was also turning 3 to send a gift to. I absolutely adore that idea. I think it would be great to give back to someone in need and to celebrate Zoe’s birthday in a positive way. There was a ton of feedback on the post and a few people mentioned how they write a letter to their deceased child, put it in a balloon and release it on his/her birthday every year. That’s another tradition that I want to incorporate.
Honestly I don’t really have much to say. I just felt the need to write a post when I’m feeling good–not in a pit of despair like every other time. To let people know that we’re doing just fine. Slowly but surely. Surviving.