I’m totally rambling in this post. I really have nothing of substance to say. I usually start thinking about my posts and what exactly I want to get across days before I actually sit down and write it. Not so with this one–I actually didn’t even think about it at all until I sat down at the computer and started typing. And it shows, haha.
One month and 60 minutes ago. It’s strange because part of me can’t believe it’s been that long, while part of me feels like it was light years ago. Honestly it kind of feels like none of it was real. Not that I’m forgetting her but enough time is starting to pass where I’m not constantly thinking “this isn’t how it should be”. Everything is starting to feel normal again. And I don’t know how I feel about that. Not that I want to continue to grieve and think of her at all waking hours, but at the same time I don’t want to forget her. To forget her brief existence. I think I’m starting to heal…I just don’t know if I’m ready for that. It doesn’t seem long enough.
The kids have been sick with some form of the flu for the last four days. Today I felt very run down, barely able to keep my eyes open, dizzy and with a slightly sore throat. Honestly though I’m not sure if I’m catching what they have or if I was having some kind of physical reaction to today. I felt fine mentally, so maybe it’s my body’s way of coping. Either that or I’m starting to have a physical reaction to the 55 episodes of Jake and the Neverland Pirates we’ve watched the last four days. Somebody shoot me. Please. But maybe I feel fine because I’ve been preoccupied with sick kids. That once J returns to school and it’s just C and I chilling and not zoning out in front of the TV all day all of the thoughts will come back again.
Today I finally got around to calling Decedent Affairs at UVA to get a progress report on the autopsy. The doctors told us it would take “weeks” to come back and since it’s now been 4 weeks I wanted to know how much longer we had to wait. Just a ballpark. Turns out they grossly underestimated the timeline–the guy who answered the phone said it’ll be 60-90 days. I’d definitely consider that months, not weeks. I just hope that this isn’t something we have to worry about with future children, especially since we’ve started trying again. Which the thought of being pregnant all over again makes me nauseous. I wish we could just fast forward and already have a baby. Oh wait, that’s because we should already have a baby.
We also bought a car today. A brand new 2015 Nissan Armada. Which I’m actually not all that excited about. I’ve noticed that’s been one of the side effects since Zoe’s death. I have zero interest in anything. I can’t get up enough interest in anything to actually care about it. Although honestly that’s how I felt my entire pregnancy. And that’s very unlike me–I’m usually ridiculously excited over the smallest stuff. And the being super pumped about the new car is especially odd. I’ve been begging Jeff for a large SUV ever since we purchased my stupid Jetta station wagon nearly two years ago. All I did was bug him about when we can get another car and how that one’s too small and I hate it…blah blah blah. But I ended up being the holdout on whether or not to purchase this one. And really I think it’s because it felt wrong. An 8 seater SUV seems like overkill for the 2 kids we have. It just doesn’t feel right having this vehicle and not having Zoe. She was the whole reason we needed a bigger vehicle and now she’s not even here to sit in it.
Don’t get me wrong, I love it. It’s a terrific vehicle. We got an excellent deal. I just hope that the depression I feel when I sit in it doesn’t last long. I don’t even know how exactly to describe or explain what I’m feeling. All I can say is that it just feels wrong. And I feel like that’s just a preview of what moving to Leavenworth is going to be like. That it’s going to be a what-if game. What if she hadn’t died… Which house would we be living in instead? Who would our neighbors be? How would things be different? But I guess that’s life now. No matter what, it will always be “What if?”
Okay I’m done rambling for now. Peace out home slice. Yeah, I’m in a really odd mood.