Ungrateful.

I really try to appreciate what I have.  To be thankful for the many many blessings in our life, big and small.  Especially the small ones.  But some days are just harder than others, and today is one of those days.  Some days I don’t care about everything I have and can only focus on what I don’t have.  I question the “everything happens for a reason” bullshit.  Although honestly, that part isn’t different from any other day–I always believe it’s a load of crap.  Things don’t “happen for a reason”–they just happen.  Just like the whole “seeing signs” thing.  They’re both just bullshit that people tell themselves to try to get through their tragedy.  Which is fine; I’m glad that coping mechanism works for them.  But that’s not ever been something that I believed in or was able to take comfort from.

We’ve been trying to get pregnant ever since Zoe passed away.  Nine months of trying and nothing.  I try to focus on the fact that for some people that’s a drop in the bucket, and 99.9% of the time that works.  The majority of the time I’m grateful that my other 3 pregnancies were pretty much “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.”  Jordan took 3 months to conceive.  Carter, the longest, was 5.  Zoe was only 2.  And I didn’t do anything special for any of them.  No charting, no ovulation tests, no nothing beyond good old fashioned trying.  After 6 months without results this time around, I started doing everything I could think of.  And, as of last night, still absolutely nothing.

Each month that passes means another month’s difference in ages, which is a gap I never wanted to begin with this time around.  It means another month that I have to go without having a baby.  For awhile I took solace in the fact that if Zoe hadn’t passed, then the next baby wouldn’t exist.  Now with each passing month without results, that becomes less and less true.  Adding to all of that, there’s a very good chance that if we go where we think we’re going next, Jeff will be deploying soon after our arrival.  So each passing month now means one less month he’s going to be around to help.  Soon he won’t even be there for the birth.  And even after he gets home, he’s going to be working 20 hour days so it’s not like he’ll be around then either.  This is the worst possible time we could be trying to have a baby.

All I can focus on right now is how perfect everything should be.  The age difference between Zoe and Carter was exactly what I wanted.  Jeff is home all the time and would be around for the first year and a half of her life to help with everything.  By the time he deployed, everything would be running smoothly.  When he returned it would be great timing to start trying for a fourth, if that’s what we wanted to do.  Or even if we had gotten pregnant immediately this time around.  Then I would be giving birth any day now and we’d have a child cursed with the dreaded Christmas birthday.  We’d have nearly a whole year together.  But that’s not how it is.

For the last 14 hours I’ve been vacillating between sad and angry.  Because you know what?  This is bullshit.  I’m owed.  I deserve a baby.  And fuck you for not letting it happen.

And then while browsing Facebook a little bit ago, I stumbled on a post on one of the military groups I’m in.  A stranger posted that her friend just became a Gold Star wife.  Two kids, a 3 year old and a 5 month old, will now grow up without a father.  And I’m sitting here whining and carrying on because we’ve been trying to get pregnant for 9 months without results?  I already have two healthy children.  A happy marriage.  A good life.  I need to grow up.  I know that tomorrow I will read this post and think about how incredibly selfish I was being.  I’m going to hate that I wasted a whole day wallowing on what I don’t have, instead of focusing on what I do.  I’m sure I’ll regret letting everyone know that we’re trying to get pregnant when I’ve been keeping that under wraps.  I’ll hate that I let everyone know how selfish I truly am.

But that’s tomorrow.  Today I’m going to cry and kick things.  Today I’m going to own the anger and sadness that I never let myself feel.  Today I’m going to wallow and be selfish.  I at least deserve that much.